I need to vent.

I know I've been sounding pretty bitter the past couple of days. I can't help myself. When something goes bad, I start accumulating all these negative thoughts into my brain. Then when something annoys me, everything else after that annoys me. And I get so emotional & angry that I even give Mark attitude (although nothing is really his fault), and I feel bad afterwards. It's just been SO rough; I can't help but feel so emotional. This sickness is really not a great combination with my pregnancy. I'm trying my hardest to get better for the sake of myself and the baby. I don't want to feel this stressed for Dylan's sake; I feel so guilty. It's really frustrating when I feel like shit, mentally and physically.

Mark came home last night feeling really pissed off because some dumb bitch was stupid enough to be insensitive to the whole situation. She didn't take his story seriously, laughing about it, telling him, "Stop with those lyrics & quotes on your away messages, jeez." The quotes that Mark puts on his away messages are what gives him motivation & hope. Since everything happened, all Mark can do is listen to songs that he can relate to so he can build his strength back up. It hurts me every time I look at him and see the pain in his eyes (and I'm not trying to sound corny; you can really see it). He felt really offended because she kept laughing at him telling him (with sarcasm), "Aw, poor Mark. Calm down." And in all honesty, if I was the one talking to this girl, I would've said a lot of things to hurt her feelings; you just don't ACT THIS STUPID to someone who's really experiencing a hard time. But I kept telling him, "Don't worry; she doesn't know us, she doesn't know you. You don't have to care if she thinks this is a whole big joke or not. She doesn't matter. Our close friends, our good friends, and family are the ones who matter. They're the ones showing their support. They're the ones who know what we go through. They're the ones who see it, who talk to us, who understand us. She doesn't know our life like how everyone else does." But knowing Mark, if something pisses the guy off, he'll ramble on and on about it. Later on that night, this dumb girl ended up apologizing to him. Good. Because if she kept being stupid, I would've said something to her. I don't tolerate stupid shit being said or acted upon my boyfriend. We've had enough these past couple of days.

We're both really sick, and we ran out of juice yesterday so we decided to go to Albertson's late last night. Mark is so sick that I had to drive. When we got to Albertson's, I just felt this whole rush of sadness. Shopping for groceries never felt so shitty. I may sound like I'm overexaggerrating, but really, buying groceries never felt so horrible. I was looking down at my checks actually realizing how much I'm going to need these from now on. I didn't even pick the checks up for the past couple of months because we never needed them so much. Now here we are, carefully watching what we're buying. It's ridiculous, guys. I felt like I was dreaming. Then the question kept popping in my head, "WHY GOD. WHY US." After we got home, Mark's mom was too sick to cook (I wouldn't blame her; I already feel guilty that she had to repeatedly cook soup for me these past few days & she ended up getting sick herself) and Mark was starving so I drove him to Jack in the Box. "Your total is $14.90." "$14?!" Mark said. Fast food sucks. When did we ever feel this fucking guilty over buying some stupid fucking fast food. And I'm pretty sure some of you are reading this thinking that we sound so pathetic, but if only you understood how hard Mark worked to make our lives opposite of what it used to be...for us to live a good, happy, worry-free life..suddenly to have it all crash down. Now we're back at the starting line, and it's a constant slap in our faces. Reality. Normal life. WHAT IS A NORMAL LIFE?! Some people gotta hustle to get what you need; sometimes you have to sacrifice everything to make ends meet for your family...and Mark did all of it and more. Gosh, even as I'm typing this, I feel like my heart's sinking. This is just so hard.

Last night my sister & her boyfriend got into a car accident. Their car was totaled. Some dumb fuck ran a red light and hit their car. He didn't even know what happened, and if it was me in my sister's position, I would've gone crazy on that fucker. I called my sister to see if she was okay; they were just leaving the urgent care section because they weren't even open yet. They're feeling sore, she said. I feel so bad. She just got that car a year ago, and if the mechanics are gonna try fixing it, either way it's not gonna drive the same. Sigh. Everything would be going wrong this week.

And even through all these hard times, Mark still doesn't give up trying to make me happy. He got me (and Leslie) our tickets to the No Doubt/Paramore concert in August, and it just amazes me how god damn unselfish he is. I hate seeing my boyfriend suffer. You guys don't even know. I didn't even know men like him existed on this earth 'til I met him. How can someone put so much effort into making others happy, as much as he does? How is it that he can remain so strong through such a difficult time? Mark is the most selfless person I know; I have never met anyone else in my life who doesn't think about himself as much as he does of others. I can't even express enough of what I feel. He deserves the world. Honestly. I love you babe, with all of me and more. We'll make it through together..me, you, & our son.