I need to vent, part 2.

No one really understands how tough life is at home for us right now. It's not like I ever wanted anyone's pity or sympathy. I just feel so down, and I have no one to vent it to but to my boyfriend or by typing my damn thoughts in my blog. I mean, I can talk about it to people, but it's hard to relate my story with anyone else. And certain people we can't even talk to it about because it's really something you wouldn't wanna know. Mark & I try so hard to distract ourselves from what's really happening. We laugh. We watch movies on TV. We talk about random things. We eat fast food (because we don't eat out at restaurants anymore, heh). He studies for his quizzes and tests. But in reality, life is just an uphill battle. And ironically none of this has to deal with Dylan. We already know we're going to be amazing parents to him, and he will grow up living a good life. It's just that all the shit that's been happening recently have been pulling us down, emotionally & mentally. We had a meeting with a lawyer yesterday. He was pretty much giving us no hope, trying to scare the living crap out of us. I was so angry at the way he talked to Mark that my brain started to boil. I wanted to give him a piece of my mind. This morning Mark & his mom went to see another one in Santa Monica. I heard that one was even worse. Good I didn't go or else I would've cracked. And I hate seeing my boyfriend feel so low about life. He feels that sometimes he wishes he were dead; he just doesn't understand why someone would do this to him. And he's really down on the fact that no one tries to understand him--not just the lawyers but 'friends' or people in general. And no one really knows how he feels except me since I'm the one who sees him everyday & hears him vent. And when I see him this stressed out, I just wanna break down. You can't do much but feel so helpless at times like these. I seriously envy people who have nothing to worry about, nothing like this happening to them. We didn't expect this. We were just distracted with getting school over with & finally starting a career in the next year or so. I gotta admit, we were living so comfortably, but it's not like we threw ourselves out there buying all the expensive things in the world that we wanted or showing off how great life is. Only things we did were stay home, go out to eat without having to worry about the bill, go out to the movies without caring that it costs $21 a ticket, take a short vacation when we felt like it was a good weekend to relax. The one thing Mark ever prized himself with was his new car. He deserved it after all the hard work he put into this family. Then when I found out I was pregnant, we even cut our spending just to save enough for Dylan & to possibly buy an SUV in the future so we would have a decent family car (we wanted the BMW X5). Everything else went to important things like credit card bills, rent, school tuitions, car insurances, car lease payment, groceries. And all that stuff is not cheap. And what hurts the most is that I saw how much Mark helped others. I just really don't get it, why something like this could happen to my boyfriend. I can't get over it, and it's all still a huge shock to me. Seeing Mark study those long hours during the week is just so hard sometimes because I don't even know how he does it. If I was in his shoes, I wouldn't be able to concentrate on a damn thing. I hate this feeling inside...worried & stressed about how next month's decision is going to affect our lives. Mark's mom keeps telling him to keep praying & meditating, but we know that sitting on our asses constantly praying isn't going to get us anywhere (I know, because my dad used to bust that crap on me all the time: "Anak, you need to pray & do some soul searching.") I remind Mark everyday that everything will be okay; something will work out. I just wanted my boyfriend to get what he deserves: the future he wanted, the career he wanted, his dreams, goals. It's just heartbreaking. I feel like I'm so useless because I can't do anything else but give him encouraging words. Gosh, I really can't wait until Dylan's here. He's definitely going to change our life (in a good way, that is); he's our reason for living & the motivation that'll push us far. It's just so hard...so hard.

ANYWAYS.

Last night, Mark's mom's good ol' 'friend' Tom gave everyone in the house a massage. Man, my back is so sore right now, but that massage was pretty damn good. Earlier yesterday, Mark's mom was receiving a massage downstairs & she was in so much pain that she was screaming and moaning; it sounded sooo funny, and Happy was getting super crazy & thought she was in danger or something. So we had to keep Happy in the room with us because he couldn't stop barking & jumping. The other day Mark's mom was getting that same massage for the first time, and our nosy neighbor even rang the doorbell because Happy was barking so much & she was moaning and screaming everywhere and the neighbor was like, "Is everything okay?" Whatever, nosy ass. But it was pretty funny. I wouldn't be surprised if other people thought otherwise too. But back to the massages, woo. Mark was able to get his neck massaged; he has bad neck problems & cracks his neck every single day (you would find it really nasty because it sounds gross). He looked like he was in incredible pain, but he said it felt so good & his neck felt loose afterwards. His neck is still weird, but that's because he thinks he tore something. Eh. As for me, Tom was asking if I was having lower back pain. I told him YUP & explained to him how uncomfortable it is for me to sleep nowadays. He then said, "You know they do pregnancy massages too" & I told him, "Yeah, I know, but I can't afford it right now." So he said, "Okay, you're next." I had to lie down on my sides, and he massaged my lower back all the way up my spine to the top, and back down (both sides). Omg. I wanted to cry at some points. That shit HURT! But it was pretty relaxing & now my back is sore as hell. It feels like someone punched my back really hard. Amazing though. I told him, "Thanks so much" & he said "Anytime." AWESOME. It was a great massage, but it's even better knowing that it's FREE :]

Today Mark & I went to this ghetto furniture mattress place off PCH because we figured (well his mom suggested that we go there) that the roll out beds would be cheaper than the bigger stores like Target or Walmart or something. The 39" wide one is like $180! Whatever, that's like the price I've been finding everywhere. I wanted to just buy a really good comfy futon for only $50-$100, but his mom wants us to find something that can easily be put away because we already have enough sofas & all our beds used to be futons so we've had enough of those. Plus we could use it for any other guests that decide to stay over. Anyways, the roll out bed was pretty cool. We opened it up & I lied down on it to test it out. I thought it would be more unstable, but it was pretty comfy! My mom's even shorter than I am so it's perfect. And I was kinda scared at first because I feel so heavy with the baby (but that's my psychological issue of always thinking I'm a fatass) but the mattress held me on there pretty well. So I'm thinking of going back to pick it up tomorrow or Tuesday morning so it's all ready & set up by the time my mom gets here Wednesday night.

Oh, and lastly, I gave in to the fad (as I have in the past with MySpace & Facebook) and created a Twitter last week. I didn't understand the whole craze about it at first, and I find it so funny how everyone's obsessed with it because it's just us writing our every detail of what we do in life, but I mean, it's not like I have anything better to freakin' do anyways. I'm pregnant & stuck at home all day. I enjoy writing my thoughts in my blog so I might as well write it on my Twitter because at least I have the right to do so (because I know when you're on Myspace & Facebook, seeing someone's status change every 20 minutes or seeing bulletins constantly posted by the same person can annoy you). So follow me on Twitter & I'll follow you back, that's if you've given in to the fad as well. http://twitter.com/caleealdaya