I feel...

...like shit. This is probably the only week you'll ever see so much cussing in my blogs.

After Thursday, I got really sick. So sick that I can't breathe, I can't taste anything, I can't smell anything, my throat hurts, my head's spinning. I can't sleep because of the fact that I can't breathe, and I try breathing through my mouth but it always gives me a sore throat. I try switching positions, but nothing seems to work. I think I've used up about 5 tissues boxes in the past 3 days, and I still can't breathe; it hasn't even gotten the slightest bit better. I drink 10 bottles of water a day; I pee every 10-20 minutes. I can't take just "any" medications due to the fact that I'm pregnant, but I take one Tylenol morning & night (not even the whole dose, just half the dose). So as an alternative I'm living off Ricola cough drops. I'm depending on my constant nose blowing (my nose burns; I'm so red!) & water drinking to get rid of the sickness. Mark's mom made me some rice soup (lugao, in familiar terms, for all you Filipinos) because it's all I can get down my throat (she makes it BOMB though). And because of the beautiful wonders of pregnancy, I suffer from back pain. I'm so sick that I couldn't go to my 2pm tour at Little Company of Mary Hospital today. That's where I plan to give birth. I also couldn't go with Mark to his bball game tonight because I can barely move. I'm even surprised I haven't taken a break to just lie down while I'm typing this blog. Sigh. Mark was sick first, then I got sick, then his aunt got sick yesterday, and now his mom is sick today. Wonderful. Happy looks at all of us while we're coughing our lives away and probably thinks we're all crazy.

Stressed out of my mind. After my last blog, things haven't been the same. I've been really down (I know not many of you know what the situation "is", but that's because I can't really post it in public; I can only post and describe my anger towards it). Although I hate talking about what happened, if you're so damn curious, I'll tell you, but privately. Anyways, I've been a wreck. We have those times where we're laughing and talking away as if nothing happened, but there are times where I just sit & think about how FUCKED OVER I feel (for us both). I'm constantly asking myself, "WHY? WHY US?" and it tears me down. Thursday made my entire world go down the drain; my heart shattered in a million pieces. Every time I come to realize what had happened that day, it's like this huge reality check. I get so sad. I feel so crushed, so betrayed, so disrespected (for the both of us, that is). Sometimes I feel that people pity us too much; others times I just don't want anyone's help because we are not the type of people to depend on others whatsoever. Regardless of all the anger & pain I feel inside, I try to remain positive at the same time. I try to look forward to whatever comes in the future; whatever opportunities come to us in the future. Of course, I have a baby boy arriving in 3 months, and he's always my main focus. I'm trying to look forward to the baby showers; I want be feel happy. Like I told myself from the beginning, "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle." I will be strong.

Please don't ever assume that I don't appreciate everyone's support; I do. I'm very glad to have family support, especially Mark's family. It's just a frustrating, stressful time, and there's just so much negativity built up inside because of the repetitive "What are you gonna do" questions that are constantly rubbed in our faces. Please understand. Give us space. Most people we know have never been in this position so don't even bother. To those who actually take the time to understand and listen to the situation, thank you so much. To those who may hear about what happened in the future and you end up saying to yourself, "they had it coming..i knew it" well a huge FUCK YOU to you; I despise insensitive, completely pessimistic people who pretend to befriend me.

Sorry Baby Dylan. Mommy's angry.

Oh btw, most invitations for Palmdale are going to be sent out tomorrow. So expect them this week.

Ps: I hate my neighbor and I mean HATE.